Thursday, July 1, 2010


I've helped to parent this kid through many phases:

-The Middle of the Night Feedings Phase
-The Random Screeching and Flinging of the Sippy Cup Phase
-The Potty Training Phase (also known as Two Months o' Hell)
-The Fear of Encountering a Man Made of Cans Phase
-The Crabbing at One's Younger Sister Phase (ongoing)
-The "What Homework?" Phase
-The Snotty Tone of Voice Phase

This latest one though is potentially more fraught with peril than any of the ones that came before. Bear is starting to wear makeup.

She's been allowed to wear (light) mascara and lipgloss since this spring, and this week she asked if she could start wearing eyeliner and shadow. Now, I'm not a moron. An eighth grade girl who wants to wear makeup and whose parents forbid it, will wait until she's out of the house before spackling it on with a trowel. Then she'll carefully wash her face before coming home. Rinse and repeat.

No, if there's going to be makeup, then I'm going to be the self-appointed Head of Quality Control. To that end, I gave my consent and tempered it with some simple rules for makeup application.

(Young Teen Edition)

1. Slathereth not of thy makeup onto thine face, for thee willst appear a skanky ho-bag.

2. Weareth not of thine eyeliner in a complete circle around thine eye, for it will rendereth them small and beady, like the crows of the yard.
3. Selecteth not a black eyeliner for it is too harsh for thine youthful aspect and will projecteth both an image of easy virtue and a dearth of aesthetic sensibility.

4. Lineth not thine lips in a color not exactly matched to thy lipstick unless ye wish to be mistaken for a clown of the circus.

5. Shouldst ye feel the need to wear foundation, weareth only the foundation of the shade which is exactly that of thine skin. Useth a small amount and blendeth well, unless ye wish to be openly mocked for sporting The Line of Shame alongst thine jawbone.

6. Weareth thine makeup to enhance, not to createth a mask. Because again, there will ensueth mocking. Likely from thine mother.

7. Purchaseth NEVER of the lipstick in the shades of white or black or any color which occureth not in the color spectrum of actual human lips.

8. Buyeth only of the good quality makeup, for that of the inferior quality will raise boils and unsightly blemishes on thy face.

9. Washeth thine face well at the end of the day, for thy mother wisheth not to see thy makeup in the form of smudges on thine pillowcase and, yay, willst rebel and confiscateth said makeup in a show of much fury and raising of the voice.

10. Beareth in mind that The Mother shall be both Judge and Jury where all makeup application be concerned. The Mother has allowed, but The Mother will surely as hellfire taketh away.


Jen on the Edge said...

This? Is so many levels of brilliant that I am down on my knees in awe. You. Rock.

smalltownmom said...

Thou doest excell.

Oh, I'm glad I have boys. Although Frank had a friend who wore eyeliner, and totally disobeyed your commandment #2.

Anonymous said...

I ahd to wait until 13 to wear makeup. My mom too me to Clinique on my 13th birthday, I got a makeover, she bought a ton of makeup and said "there you go". I wore that stuff like crazy for about two months and then it morphed into my routine of mascara and lip gloss, like your daughter, unless I'm going out (and since I rarely do that, mascare and lip gloss it is!). Great rules!

Lora said...

Wow. Awesome. But I'm currently in the midst of Two/Six Months of Hell. Perhaps my youngest will be potty trained by the time she's in eighth grade and wants to wear makeup. :)

quilting grandma said...

It is good to learn from other people's experiences. So I go with Meg's experience. Love it!

Love you and good luck!

Susan said...

In my experience they wear a bunch for a while and then they learn to make it more subtle and appropriate. It was one of those issues where I acted as a consultant and not a dictator as the child rearing books suggested...

Dawn in Austin said...

Loveth this!!

You? Are an awesome mom. I wish I had had the patience that you do. Or at least had the humor to put such a spin on it as you do.

I thought my one daughter would drive me to the looney bin before it was over.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I can tell you what these rules will get you (having enforced similar rules):

A daughter who never looks like a raccoon.

A daughter who thinks that "only wear good makeup" means YOUR makeup--the mineral stuff you can only buy at the dermatologist' office!

Cindy said...

You are funny! Hope the rules work.

katiegirl said...

I just stumbled upon your blog today and I love it! You are seriously cracking me up!