This time I got smart. (No, not smart enough to buy one of those bagel-slicer thingamajigs. Did you read the title of this post?) I rested the bagel on its edge on the counter, using the fingers of my left hand to press firmly into the bagel, while slicing down into the bagel with my right hand.
In retrospect, I may have pressed a bit too firmly with the middle finger of my left hand. Because I ended up slicing neatly through it - a truly impressive cut that managed to extend through fingernail, fingertip, and onto the pad of the finger.
I would like you to meet Frankenfinger.
It bled a lot. A LOT A. LOT. Not usually one who freaks at the sight of blood, I was way too woozy to deal with this one. I called for Tom, whose idea of bandaging apparently involves wrapping the cut finger in an inappropriately large Band-Aid in sort of a "Cone of Shame" configuration. This resulted in blood dripping steadily from the open end of the Band-Aid, while Tom tried to cut it off my finger and I tried not to faint. He sawed ferociously at the Band-Aid with (I shit you not) baby toenail scissors that I didn't even know we owned anymore, while I rested my head on the table and whimpered, "HurryhurryhurryIneedtogetdownonthefloor" and trying really hard not to picture the way the cut had neatly bisected my fingernail.
Once my finger was cone-free and wrapped in a towel, I slid gratefully down to the floor. The oak was delightfully cool on my cheek and kept me from passing out.
Visual Aid: This is my husband's idea of the appropriate size of Band-Aid for a sliced fingertip. I assume that if I had broken a finger, he would have amputated it.
However, in the light of making the best of a bad situation, I prepared the following photo essay for you. Because I love you. Also possibly because I have way too much time on my hands.
The Many Faces of Frankenfinger
Frankenfinger is way cooler than you:Sometimes the social pressure of being different is too much for Frankenfinger:
Although moderately well in touch with his feminine side,
Frankenfinger remains a badass at heart:
Moral #1: New hardwood floors are delightfully cool to the cheek if you ever need to lay on them to keep from fainting. I recommend that you all get some immediately as a precautionary measure. Write them off as a medical expense.
Moral #2: Buy your bagel pre-sliced or trick someone into slicing it for you.
*Dedicated to my BFF, who dared me to write this post.