Time: 2:37 a.m., last night
Place: my bed
I awaken to the sound of Tom snoring. I try to ignore it and get back to sleep, but after five minutes or so of listening to his buzzing vibrato, it becomes clear that this is not going to happen. And I'm not so much a lay there and suffer in silence kind of person.
Me: Are you fricking kidding me? (not wanting to lose my comfy position, I try whacking the mattress with my arm) TOM!
Tom: mmmrraakkpfft... huh?
Me: Roll over, hon. You're snoring.
Me: Oh, no you didn't. (gently kick in his direction; mostly accidentally land a pretty solid one on his thigh).
Tom (suddenly awake and pissed): What the hell?!
Me: Roll over. You're snoring.
Tom (not rolling over): Yeah, I know.
Me: Then roll over.
Tom: I am.
Me: TOM, ROLL OVER ONTO YOUR SIDE.
Tom (in suddenly pissy and officious tone): LOOK, I can't do anything about it, OK? It's all linked through my Facebook page.
(Fabulous. He's not actually awake).
Me: TOM, ROLL OVER ONTO YOUR SIDE OR SO HELP ME GOD...
Tom: I'm on my side.
Me (gritting teeth): Roll to your OTHER side.
(Through what I can only attribute to divine intervention, he finally does. I, however, am now widethefuck awake and remain so for the next hour and a half).