Friday, March 5, 2010

And He Say's I'm Irrational...


ACTUAL CONVERSATION

Time: 2:37 a.m., last night
Place: my bed

I awaken to the sound of Tom snoring. I try to ignore it and get back to sleep, but after five minutes or so of listening to his buzzing vibrato, it becomes clear that this is not going to happen. And I'm not so much a lay there and suffer in silence kind of person.

Me: Tom.

Tom: ...

Me: TOM.

Tom: mmm....

Me: Are you fricking kidding me? (not wanting to lose my comfy position, I try whacking the mattress with my arm) TOM!

Tom: mmmrraakkpfft... huh?

Me: Roll over, hon. You're snoring.

Tom: ...

Me: Oh, no you didn't. (gently kick in his direction; mostly accidentally land a pretty solid one on his thigh).

Tom (suddenly awake and pissed): What the hell?!

Me: Roll over. You're snoring.

Tom (not rolling over): Yeah, I know.

Me: Then roll over.

Tom: I am.

(He's not).

Me: TOM, ROLL OVER ONTO YOUR SIDE.

Tom (in suddenly pissy and officious tone): LOOK, I can't do anything about it, OK? It's all linked through my Facebook page.

Me: ...

(Fabulous. He's not actually awake).

Me: TOM, ROLL OVER ONTO YOUR SIDE OR SO HELP ME GOD...

Tom: I'm on my side.

Me (gritting teeth): Roll to your OTHER side.

(Through what I can only attribute to divine intervention, he finally does. I, however, am now widethefuck awake and remain so for the next hour and a half).

10 comments:

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

HOw many times have I had that SAME conversation in my bed. PISSES me OFF. And then I usually end up retreating to the couch. Men. Grrr.

Dawn's Dad said...

We have a rule in our house that whoever is the offender goes to the guest bedroom - which most often was me. A lot of time I would wake up there and say "I guess I was snoring."

That all changed when I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP at night. Best thing that ever happend to both of us.

You might have him talk to his dentist about an appliance thingy that helps with the snoring. It keeps the mouth closed and jaw pulled forward.

jenn said...

Dawn's Dad:
Actually Tom does have sleep apnea & uses a CPAP at night. It's rare, but once in awhile, he manages to snore with that thing on. What can I say...I have such a talented husband!

Rose said...

Holy crap, I think you've been eavesdropping in our bedroom. That scene is repeated WAY too often here. I often flounce off to another bedroom when the girls aren't home from college, but if they're here, I'm stuck.

smalltownmom said...

You have just written the STORY OF MY LIFE! However, I'm the one that goes into the guest room. It's become my little girly retreat, so I don't mind too much.

Jen on the Edge said...

Here's what I do:

When a certain someone is snoring, I nudge on him to get him to roll over. (I've trained him pretty well through the years, so he responds most of the time.) If that doesn't work, I've learned that you can grab the arm closest to you and start moving it toward the other side of the bed. The sleeping person will usually fall his own limb. If that doesn't work, wedge your shoulder and a knee under him and then start crowding him to the point that he'll roll over.

I refuse to send either of us to the guest room. Married folks are meant to sleep together.

Dawn in Austin said...

CGMan has been known to snore with his CPAP on, too. Not often, but it happens.

When it does, it brings back horrific memories of the time I slept in the bathtub at a hotel because he was snoring so bad (long before CPAP).

Oh, and then there was the time he forgot his CPAP, and I ended up walking to the front desk in my jammies and robe, carrying his credit card. I got another room. He doesn't ever forget anymore.

T said...

In my defense, the consistent snorer around here these days is the author. She won't consider a two-hose cpap, so I continue with an earplug in one ear, and a memory foam pillow on the other. I have to be able to hear at a moment's notice for middle-of-the-night-strange-sound-analysis duties when the author requires such.

T said...

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am forced to present the following further evidence in my defense, received only last night:

Me (on returning from restroom to Jen snoring; through my CPAP mask; one earplug removed to monitor response): "Jenn, roll over."

Jenn: "Why?"
Me: "You're snoring."

Jenn: "No I'm not."

Me: "Yes you are. I can hear you through my earplugs."

Jenn (rolling over): "You must be dreaming it."

Me: "I'm not dreaming. I just went to the bathroom and I could hear you in there."

Jenn: "You could hear me snoring in the bathroom?"

Me: "Yes."

Jenn: "Why would I be snoring in the bathroom?"

Whereupon, I replace my earplug and rest my case.

Meg said...

I'm sorry has Tom met my boyfriend? I think the two of them have met before and plotted this out 'cause he does the same damn thing to me.