Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Elevating the Phrase "Sucky Day" to a Whole New Level

I had a crappy day yesterday. The day dawned gray and gloomy, I was stressed about bills, feeling guilty for not exercising, making bad food choices, and doing laundry - the morning was not what you'd call rewarding.

The afternoon picked up the theme of the day (sucktastic) and ran with it. I picked up two cranky kids from school and rushed them through homework and The World's Most Random All-Leftover Dinner, so I could get Bug to the sitter's, Bear to her dance class, and meet Tom at the junior high's open house. Then the whole thing in reverse: grabbing Bug from the sitter and Bear from dance. Everybody got to bed late, promising me an fun-filled time trying to get them up for school the next morning.

By the time I flopped into bed, I was mostly at peace with the fact that this had been an irredeemable day. Other than fifteen minutes spent with a perfectly delightful cup of pumpkin spice coffee, it had been a total loss. But at least it was over.

Or so I thought. (Ominous music)

I cracked the window above the bed to let in a trickle of deliciously cool night air and snuggled under my favorite quilt. My pillow was perfectly plump and cool under my cheek. Things were looking up.

I closed my eyes and savored the quiet house. Breathing deeply, I felt the weight of the day lifting off of me.

Except ... well, I actually couldn't breathe that deeply. I tried to relax my body and concentrate on breathing slowly and evenly. No, darn it, there was definite wheezing. Stupid asthma.

Without rolling over, I flopped one arm over to the nightstand and fumbled around for my inhaler. With a practiced gesture, I flipped the cap off and took a quick hit off of it. As I sucked in, I felt something hit my tongue.

Weird. It feels almost like ... lettuce ... or wet tissue. What on earth?

I spat the something into my hand and turned on the light. Without my glasses, all I could tell was that the thing on my hand was brown and felt limp. What the hell?

Curious now and with a definite sense of foreboding, I put the thing on a tissue and found my glasses.

Care to know what I saw? I mean, you could click away now and live a happy, fulfilling life. I wouldn't blame you because this is not something you're going to forget.

You've been warned.

Here's what was on the tissue. And what had previously been in my mouth.
(photo courtesy of Google Images ... I certainly did not
have the presence of mind to take a photograph)

I gaped at the nasty little thing for a solid minute, my brain not willing to accept what I was seeing.

"Tom?" I called to the closed bathroom door, "I'm going to need you to come out here."

"Uh, I'm kind of busy in here," he said.

"No. No. I really, really need you to come out and see this," I said, unable to tear my eyes away from the horror on the Kleenex. And unless I was mistaken ... yes, it was starting to wave its little legs around. It was alive. And had been in my mouth.

Tom was gratifyingly appalled when I told him what had happened and showed him the evidence. I ran into the bathroom to gargle extensively, scrape my tongue , brush my teeth, and start again with the gargling, trying to get rid of the sensation of bug in my mouth holy shit buginmymouth there was a BUG in my aaargg MOUTH arrrggg!

I heard the front door open and close while I was systematically gargling my way through a quart of Listerine. When Tom came back into the bedroom, I asked him wildly, "Did you just go outside and SET IT FREE?"

"No," he said grimly, "No, I burned it. It was that horrifying."

"Oh," I said and thought about that. "That actually makes me feel a little better. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Whoever said chivalry is dead?

Sidenote: This has officially taken the top spot in My Personal Brushes with Grossness. Previously, that spot had been occupied by the time I was sitting eating a Healthy Choice vanilla pudding cup by the light of the TV. One minute, creamy deliciousness. Next minute? Something large and bulky and WRONG in my mouth. Something that turned out to be a random broccoli spear. It was revolting, but seems positively tame now compared to buginmymouth.


Jen on the Edge said...

Ugh. I'm sitting here shuddering and twitching with disgust.

Nana said...

This is the most disgusting story I've heard in a long time. Thanks so much for sharing. :(

erin said...

OMG! I only recently started reading your blog but have to comment because that? Was DISGUSTING! From the photo it looks like one of those thousand legger thingies that I get in my apartment occasionally (old house). I killed one just last night, in fact. I went to bed freaked out by it but yeah, I clearly had a better experience than you. Wow.

jenn said...

I seem destined to be one of those people these things happen to. Must be some crappy karma from a past life.

smalltownmom said...

I have had days like your first paragraph, but the bug the most disgusting thing... I would have vomited.

unmitigated me said...

Thank God for pumpkin spice latte. You deserve a medal. Or sainthood.

Tom said...

Believe me, the lawyer in me struggled to find a way to argue that the millipede had actually been IN the albuterol cartridge and we could get a monster settlement and be set for life. But, nah. I just couldn't find it convincing. Must've just crawled into the dispenser. I am proud of my wife for not just screaming her head off.

Becky said...

Gross!!! It makes me shiver just to think abou it! Good for your husband for burning it :)

On a related note, last night I was getting ready to make brown rice... I added the water and noticed these tiny black specks in the water. Upon closer inspection, I discovered they were bugs! Eww!! Some tiny little bugs had hatched from my organic brown rice. I'm just glad I found them BEFORE we ate it!!

Dawn in Austin said...

Oh! I'm so sorry! I know we've all thought we've had the worst day ever, but I bow to you. Yours is definitely the worst.

Just know this, it can only get better now.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

GACK! That is a horrible thing to end a rough day with! I swallowed a bug--guess it was a mosquito--while running the other day. I try not to dwell on it lest I puke.

Meg said...

Centipedes are my kryptonite. Had I been in your position, I believe I would've just passed out. Major props to you for reacting in a somewhat calm manner.

You definately win the Suckiest Day Prize, for sure!

thedomesticfringe said...

Oh my Goodnes!!!!

From this day forth, I will ALWAYS check the inside of my inhailer before taking a puff. How GROSS!

I'm so sorry your day was sucky. I think it may have been the day. I was in the doctors with my son yesterday morning when I had an asthma attack. His nurse freaked out a bit and got the doctor, although I insisted I would be ok. Then the DR. came and sat with me in the waiting room while we all waited to see if the inhailer alone would work. Oh my. I guess I was the excitement for the morning.

This year has been the worst in my adult life for my asthma. I don't know about you. I can't figure out if it was a bad year everywhere or my location.

Hope today is SO MUCH better for you.

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

Hey FringeGirl!

LONG time no see! But as a fellow asthmatic, I had to click over from the Twitter.

Wow. I think you're the all-time winner in the grossness contest.

Susan said...

The blog title says it all! Wow - hope today was better!

quilting grandma said...

All I have to say is, "YUCK!!!!!!!!!"

Mrs. G. said...

My toes curled, oh my lord, I would have died, died.

Tom is the man.

Cindy said...

Oh my goodness. Bless your heart. I'm speechless. And sorry it happened to you. So sorry. I stopped by here to tell you to visit my blog tomorrow, as I will have something there for you. But, after reading this post, it won't be enough. I need to go out and get you a unicorn or something!

katiegirl said...

Holy crap!!! I would have died. I'm glad you didn't swallow it!!!

Country Girl said...

Still laughing, sorry. That is nasty but entertaining. Thanks for sharing!

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