Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I Blame Whole Foods for My Weight Issues

Yesterday at the gym, I sat down at one end of a metal bench in the locker room to change my sneakers. Mistake. The other end of the bench soared into the air, not unlike the unoccupied side of a teeter-totter that has a hippo on the other end. I leapt wide-eyed to my feet, sending it clanging back down on the concrete floor.

"Well, that's never a good sign, " I told my best friend, who snorted behind her hand in an unsuccessful effort to hold in her laughter. She later claimed to be laughing "with" me.

I share this with you for two reasons:

1. I actually went to the gym, and I generally like to publicize that as much as possible.
2. Yeah, I've put on a few pounds in the last few months.
3. It is 100% Whole Foods' fault.

Despite my ardent letter-writing campaign, Whole Foods has neglected to build a store in my town. The closest one is an hour and twenty minutes away. Not exactly convenient for dashing over to grab a dozen hormone-free eggs or when I have a craving for a random tropical fruit, like a cherimoya (which, no doesn't happen that often, or even actually ever, but I'm making a point here). IF I wanted a cherimoya, I would have to drive an hour and twenty minutes to get one and that's ridiculous because of the price of gas and the fact that I don't technically know what a cherimoya is. Don't worry, though, because I've taken revenge on Whole Foods by eating a whole lot of processed crap in the past five months. So, really, I'm the winner here.

And I do understand that there are quite a few organic and healthful things for sale right in my local supermarket, but it's no damn fun to purchase them without the correct store ambiance of wood floors, artful displays of produce with names I can't pronounce, a gelato bar, and a make-your-own granola station. Whole Food makes me feel all healthy and like a person who would want to buy those foods. Hannaford makes me want to buy Oreos, Diet Pepsi, and Teddy Grahams. It's completely beyond my control.

I should also mention that along with inappropriate snacking issues, I also have a minor problem with denial. Here, take the following test and see how you do.

SCENARIO #1:
Over the course of several weeks, you notice that your pants are becoming tight. You conclude:

a. Hmm, perhaps I've put on a few pounds.
b. Damn cheap synthetic fibers. These pants are defective.
c. Perhaps my husband is secretly doing the laundry, and we all know he does it wrong.

SCENARIO #2:
You are walking next to your children, when you notice that while their shadows seem proportionately correct, yours is looking a bit wider than normal. You conclude:

a. Hmm, perhaps I've put on a few pounds.
b. They must be walking closer to the sun, therefore their shadows are smaller.
c. Clearly, my shadow is broken.

SCENARIO #3:
You notice that your face is looking chubbier than normal in photographs. You conclude:

a. Hmm, perhaps I've put on a few pounds.
b. The camera lens is distorting my face.
c. I should really buy new makeup.

If you are me, the answer is NEVER "a".

This is all by way of telling you that suddenly, yesterday, I realized that the answer actually IS "a". And to warn you that things might get a whole lot bitchier around here. I'm giving that new fad diet called "Eat Less and Move More, You Lazy Cow" a whirl.

I'll let you know how it goes.

15 comments:

Dawn in Austin said...

Me and my friend Jenny (Craig) have been on that fad diet for a while now. Not bad. It's the getting up and moving part that really bites.

Good luck and I'll be your diet buddy. Except for that going to the gym part. I'll give you a ride, though.

Rose said...

I've already postponed my doctor's appt (cause he'll be pissed) and now with the snow days, I've eaten a TON Of comfort food. Plus I'm only wearing pj's and sweats. Tomorrow it's back to work and OMG what will I fit into????

Jen on the Edge said...

We can be bitchy together.

And by the way, it's possible to get fat from shopping at Whole Foods. Trust me, I know this to be true.

smalltownmom said...

I'm "c" all the way.

Tom said...

I have to say, I think walking closer to the sun would actually cause one's shadow to be larger, not smaller. But, anyway, the forecast that you will be bitchier, coupled with your Facebook post that you are "pants wettingly excited" about the Lost premiere, lead me to the conclusion I'd better sleep in a different room tonight.

Meg said...

What I don't understand is why all the bad foods taste so darn good? Why?!?

I find the more I work out the better I eat. There's just something about running/walking on the treadmill for an hour and only seeing 245 calories get burned off that really makes me reconsider polishing off a bag of Doritoes.

Good luck in your working out. GET YOUR BUTT TO THE GYM! (How was that? Did that help motivate you?)

jenn said...

Good motivating, Meg! Now can you move here and yell that at me every day??

Fannie said...

You may also want to borrow my phrase "over served - through no fault of my own". I'm just sayin'! ;)

Tara said...

Great questions. Didn't you know the answer is never "a"?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Would you believe I've never set foot in a Whole Foods? After hearing someone call it "Whole Paycheck," I thought I'd better give it a pass.

I get into enough trouble at Trader Joe's.

thedomesticfringe said...

ROFL!

I've been saying that my face is swollen due to a mysterious jaw disease...I'm sure! Unfortunately I think it's flapping the jaw while eating.

My cheap pants shrunk. There's no question in my mind.

Good luck on your new diet. Don't even bother with a scale, just use the bench test from time to time. ;-)

-FringeGirl

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh you are SO funny. I am laughing many calories off as I type this comment still!

dawn said...

Coming at you from The Bloggess and wanted you to know:
I think you posted my life by mistake. This made me so upset I just ate half a bag of BBQ potato chips.
Yes they were good.
and YES I am blaming you!
Because ofcourse I can't blame my family because their not here right now.
And it's always easier to blame someone/something else... ie: reason #4

dawn said...

Shoot!
I meant reason C...
I think the potato chip fat is already clogging my arteries and slowing blood flow to me brain.
Great! Now I'll be fat AND brain dead.
Thanks!

Susan said...

My shadow is broken - HAW!!

If you want company, I am blogging my misery (On a Diet Again - 2010). It is linked on Mrs. Brightside.