So I guess it would be fair to say that I am not the world's greatest bagel slicer. I could probably even be considered mildly retarded in the area of bagel slicing. I usually cradle the bagel in one palm, slicing toward the palm with a serrated bread knife. In an embarrassingly high number of instances, this results in me cutting into my palm. This time I got smart. (No, not smart enough to buy one of those bagel-slicer thingamajigs. Did you read the title of this post?) I rested the bagel on its edge on the counter, using the fingers of my left hand to press firmly into the bagel, while slicing down into the bagel with my right hand.
It bled a lot. A LOT A. LOT. Not usually one who freaks at the sight of blood, I was way too woozy to deal with this one. I called for Tom, whose idea of bandaging apparently involves wrapping the cut finger in an inappropriately large Band-Aid in sort of a "Cone of Shame" configuration. This resulted in blood dripping steadily from the open end of the Band-Aid, while Tom tried to cut it off my finger and I tried not to faint. He sawed ferociously at the Band-Aid with (I shit you not) baby toenail scissors that I didn't even know we owned anymore, while I rested my head on the table and whimpered, "HurryhurryhurryIneedtogetdownonthefloor" and trying really hard not to picture the way the cut had neatly bisected my fingernail.
In retrospect, I may have pressed a bit too firmly with the middle finger of my left hand. Because I ended up slicing neatly through it - a truly impressive cut that managed to extend through fingernail, fingertip, and onto the pad of the finger.
I would like you to meet Frankenfinger.
It bled a lot. A LOT A. LOT. Not usually one who freaks at the sight of blood, I was way too woozy to deal with this one. I called for Tom, whose idea of bandaging apparently involves wrapping the cut finger in an inappropriately large Band-Aid in sort of a "Cone of Shame" configuration. This resulted in blood dripping steadily from the open end of the Band-Aid, while Tom tried to cut it off my finger and I tried not to faint. He sawed ferociously at the Band-Aid with (I shit you not) baby toenail scissors that I didn't even know we owned anymore, while I rested my head on the table and whimpered, "HurryhurryhurryIneedtogetdownonthefloor" and trying really hard not to picture the way the cut had neatly bisected my fingernail.Once my finger was cone-free and wrapped in a towel, I slid gratefully down to the floor. The oak was delightfully cool on my cheek and kept me from passing out.
Visual Aid: This is my husband's idea of the appropriate size of Band-Aid for a sliced fingertip. I assume that if I had broken a finger, he would have amputated it.
Sometimes the social pressure of being different is too much for Frankenfinger:
However, in the light of making the best of a bad situation, I prepared the following photo essay for you. Because I love you. Also possibly because I have way too much time on my hands.
The Many Faces of Frankenfinger
Frankenfinger is way cooler than you:
Sometimes the social pressure of being different is too much for Frankenfinger:Although moderately well in touch with his feminine side,
Frankenfinger remains a badass at heart:
Moral #1: New hardwood floors are delightfully cool to the cheek if you ever need to lay on them to keep from fainting. I recommend that you all get some immediately as a precautionary measure. Write them off as a medical expense.
Moral #2: Buy your bagel pre-sliced or trick someone into slicing it for you.
*Dedicated to my BFF, who dared me to write this post.
12 comments:
Well, look, given your reaction, the size of band-aid I chose seemed appropriate at the time. Second, I believe it's spelled "doo-rag", but I'm no expert. Third, clearly we need to get you back to painting on a daily basis as you do appear to have too much time on your hands. And finally, maybe the paint fumes have already gotten to you. I'm not going to be able to sleep with Frankenfinger in the house.
Do you really think I would have used "do-rag" without Googling it first to check the spelling? Have we MET?
For a true frankenfinger, you need some green bandaids.
This might just be your best post yet.
In Tom's defense, I too use large bandaids. Grace slammed her finger in a door last week and we used big bandaids AND we double-bandaided them. Just in case.
your welcome to everyone out there in blog world. Without my dare, no one would have ever met "Frankenfinger". Serious funny sh*t, Jenn!
I'm worried about you. REALLY SERIOUSLY worried! You definitely have too much time on your hands. Don't you have a book to write or some kitchen cupboards to paint or SOMETHING??? How about your scrapbooking or planning your summer garden. And just for the record, I am sending you a bagel slicer. Let me know, please, when it arrives. In the meantime, serve toast.
That second anonymous person is your mother, Jenny. No clue why I came up as anonymous.
It's pretty obvious where the brains went in this family. -Your Bro
Anything for an awesome blog post!
Trivia--Bagel-cuts are the number one reason for visits to urgent care.
Dear Bro,
You can keep the brains. I'm comfortable with having gotten the looks.
-Your Sis
OMG, you had me cracking up this morning! Funniest post I've read today! Loved your photo essay.
As for the big band-aid, it's a known fact that men always think bigger/more is better. I don't know why.
And you didn't need stitches?? I'm surprised.
May I suggest a trip to a M.D. for medical advice, like do you need stitches, and can he(she) determine if you cut a nerve? and if so, have the doctor perform the stitching and can anything be done for a cut nerve in the fingertip? I hope it heals well. In the meantime,the rest of the family will have to take over your chores [there is always a silver lining].
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